These last few days I have had to repent and admit that my big underlying problem (well, I have many in general...) but the big struggle I have been grappling with is as I am breaking out of my routines, doing these fairly peculiar types of fasts, I then find myself wondering if this whole process is accomplishing anything. (not this media aspect so much - that has been itself really wonderful) I think the bottom-line is that I expect too much; I act - and I expect a re-act(ion). What I find myself repenting of is that my mentality basically reduces God to an employee of my impish whims (now that I am getting more serious about this spiritual stuff (tapping on my spiritual watch) - where IS HE???).
Mercifully, when I gain quiet, when I walk and pray and breath with Him suddenly the equation clarifies. When I simplify my expectation matrix, suddenly I see that God IS doing stuff, IS re-arranging, and IS making changes using the vehicle of this intentional fast. In short, when I quit looking for what it is NOT doing for me, I begin to realize and to grasp what God IS doing in and around me.
In the parlance of the old saints one would say we are fixated on receiving consolations from God that save us the aridity of the desert - or hard - times. Modern church vernacular would say that we are addicted to high-points, counting only the mountain-top experiences as the godly, and remonstrating the rest as 'resistance' or explaining away trials by saying 'god was not in it'. But the truth is, that is not liberty! that is not even increasing discernment! It certainly is not maturity! It is pure Opinionation to think that I can discern what part of life 'is God' and what part is not - He is All and In all - for those that are trying to listen to the Holy Spirit, God is causing everything to work together for good (Romans 8:28)! He sends the good to teach me to rejoice and be thankful, and He sends the hard and the bad to teach me to rejoice and be thankful! God is fully in both the high and low points! God is fully in both the richness and the dry places - both are for our good and both lead us to greater maturity. In a word this is all about trust. Does fasting really matter? Does being a community that fasts really matter? We have to trust in order to do it. And in the doing we find out more about Who it is that we are trusting.
Taken down a notch and moved into the day-to-day - God is in both the busyness and the quiet, He is in both the plenty and the sparse, He is in our small group, and in the other small groups, and even in the church body at the end of the street we don't really agree with! He is walking down the street fretting about His bills He cannot pay. He is planning on being alone in a cold apartment on Christmas Day. He will be at a swanky sweater party on the west-side on Christmas Eve. He is and will be with both the rich and the poor, the good and the bad, the successful and the screw-up (so I guess if success has screwed you up then you are doubly blessed? ...just kidding; = )
Part of fasting is learning to seek God and not reward, To seek Him for, and to know Him in, all His magnificent brilliance. The fact that the reward - of blessing and consolation sometimes (often-times!) comes with our seeking - is a really cool side-effect - but those are not at all the reason or even the benefit we are after. Our deep soul-need is that we are each seeking and craving a deeper and better friendship with God. We all desperately want to be wanted - even more so with regard to being both known and wanted by God! At some deep level we all know that we need to diligently be about finding our God-role model and then beginning to imitate Him. To know Him and and to emulate Him is a our greatest good - so if fasting gets us one step closer, if turning off the TV gets us one prayer, one more bit of hope, one faith-thought deeper into relationship with Him. Then lets agree to go hungry one more day.
We step into a fast in trust - in faith - that somewhere in the heavenlies our tiny act creates a ripple and blessings and life are enacted - we may never see the reward in this life - but let us set the example, the bar if you will, by becoming the kind of people who don't need to see reward - and are instead assured purely by trust in a Good God that getting to participate, to step in - even for a second - into God's sovereign will and life, is enough for us and is reward all its own.
Blessings, A.G.
No comments:
Post a Comment