Today is rough. Today my head hurts. Today I am battling back and forth between what this is about and why. Today I feel non-spiritual and my memory about why this is important feels fuzzy.
It has occurred to me that I need to return to the habit of breath prayers so that I can more quickly combat these doubts and desires. I think the beat of today's prayer drum might have to be simply: 'Lord have mercy on me' on the inhale and with the sigh of exhale 'i don't think I can keep doing this'.
I have noticed my sense of smell is sky-rocketing. I have also noticed that things I have not craved in years popping into my head like they are spiritual revelations unto themselves. I am also noticing things as I pass them by and think, 'oh I could go for....nope'. Not today.
Alanna is feeling demoralized at the revelation that we are likely completely and hopelessly hooked on caffeine. Speaking of drums and bands, she has one inside each side of her forehead competing to see who can pound on the sides of her head the hardest. I don't think I am in as much pain as Alanna is, but I too have a bruiser of a headache going. Humorously, on the health front, I don't think I have been this well hydrated in months!
My one spiritual thought on this long day has been that I really need God. I am hapless and helpless after only 2.5 days I have completely run out of my own desire to continue. I think I speak for both Goodwin's when I say we are now out to the 'leaning on God' phase of this process. As I walked to my car after work tonight, I had to smile at the thought that I am like an Israelite living off of manna in the desert. I am perfectly well nourished. I am healthy and strong and able to make it through the day and yet, merely be severely shortening the list of items I have access to I am feeling disgruntled, deprived, and thrown off my game.
Tomorrow will be better. Now off to see my family and enjoy a creatively construed meal of chicken breast, sautéed spinach leaves, and mashed sweet potatoes. So good.
P.S. - I never knew how much I liked hard-boiled eggs with salt and whole wheat bread toasted with nothing on it. Those are my two favorite things right now - there like my luxury items!. Today at my desk more than once I wanted that piece of dry whole wheat toast so much it made my mouth water, and at lunch, Alanna had packed me one hard-boiled egg in this tiny little see-through rubbermaid container and I was so pumped when I got it out of my lunch sack! Thank you little ovoid friend.
Blessings,
A.G.
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